1. JFK to be renamed Trump International. By the time this takes effect, other airports will have been similarly renamed, along with their associated IATA codes. As this may create an elevated risk of baggage transport errors, carry-ons are recommended.
2. High schools receiving federal funds will be required to enforce standardized dress codes: polo shirts and slacks for boys, camisoles and mini-skirts for girls. String bikinis for all genders reporting for corporal punishment.
3. The word “forever” to be placed in quotes on forever stamps so their termination points can be aligned with planned extensions to presidential term limits.
4. In the first change to American coinage in seventy-eight years, the Roosevelt dime will be reduced in value to 1/10th of a cent, making it consistent with the legacy mill, discontinued in 1857.
5. Taking the place of the Roosevelt dime will be the new Trump vari-pence. Unlike other U.S. coins, its value will fluctuate in synch with daily DOW and NASDAQ averages. In order to accommodate dyslexic holders, and discourage coin-flip gambling, Mr. Trump’s image will appear on both sides. The name is intended to honor legacy conventions of British coinage, and remind voters of the worst vice president ever.
6. Federal funds will be available to U.S. high schools offering course work and certifications in the fast-growing field of Abortion Bounty Hunting. Classes will impart skills in the tracking and reporting of miscreant mothers, doctors, or individuals assisting illegal interstate travel.
7. Tax refunds to be paid in nonfungible images of presidential family members in action hero poses. These images can also be earned by submitting affidavits resulting in the arrest and conviction of non-citizens voting illegally.
8. The American League baseball team of New York will be required to change its name, as “Yankees” is deemed extremely offensive to individuals in Southern States who may have lost ancestors in the American Civil War.
9. In a manner akin to Jewish circumcision, Republican children will undergo skin grafting on their upper right ear at the time of birth. (Mandatory after 1/1/2026.)
10. Reparations will be disbursed to persons who can prove at least two generations of Caucasian heritage and who have suffered loss of occupational opportunities, or monetary damage due to affirmative action or DEI programs.