Preface
In 1965, the late Radio Hall of Fame broadcaster, Paul Harvey, aired a commentary titled, “If I Were the Devil.” Conservative that he was, Harvey’s devil would have set out to undermine civilization by supplanting faith with science, promoting sexual content on TV, and evicting God from the courthouse. You can hear the full commentary at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LWPcEo2gV0 . I recommend that you do so for the self-serving reason that the experience of reading my own version will be greatly enhanced if you can keep Paul Harvey’s resounding voice and idiosyncratic rhythms somewhere in mind as you read.
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If I were the Devil…Lord of the underworld…I could point my horns anywhere, and surely there are lands out there where privation and injustice are already driving a hellish downslide, but making such places worse would hardly testify to my powers. To them I say, nay, instead, hand me the crowning jewel, admired by multitudes, a land with unshakable traditions, steeped in a mythology of words and phrases like “exceptionalism” and “it can’t happen here.” I believe it is clear who I mean.
If I were the Devil, I’d start by canceling Medicaid, particularly for those with no other options. I would terminate the Consumer Protection Bureau, weaken environmental laws, and give employees of USAID fifteen minutes to clear out their desks.
In the wake of a world pandemic, I would place national health decisions in the hands of an individual who disparages vaccines. I would defund the National Institute of Health, undoubtedly interrupting treatments in progress, and wouldn’t it be funny if some of the cancer patients experienced further metastases and died?
And what if there were a measles outbreak in Texas because someone—I can’t imagine who—convinced people that the vaccine caused autism?
If I were the Devil, I would vilify all persons working out their sexuality in non-traditional ways. I would make jokes about having my opponents shot, and over time, refine that approach to offhand innuendos which I could later claim to be jokes. I would change laws so states could force young women to forgo their life plans and bear the offspring of my brethren demons who raped them.
If I were the Devil, I would create rifts with democratic allies, and align with the most vile governments on Earth. I would raise tensions over a border deemed peaceful for over two hundred years, and inform those on the other side that they might want to consider statehood.
If I were the Devil, criticism would not be tolerated. I would sue small newspapers and television stations, knowing the cost of a legal defense could cast them into oblivion. I would stand upon podiums, point to the press boxes, and let the reporters absorb my amplified denunciations, as I stoked the wrath of the crowd. I would call the real news fake and the fake news real, lamenting that the outlets supporting me never get Nobel Prizes.
If were the Devil, I would change the names of mountains and bodies of water, and punish news organizations that failed to comply. I would void lines of the Constitution with a stroke of the pen, and export millions of poor who have struggled to our shores, while welcoming those willing to pay five million dollars.
If I were the Devil, I would disrupt the distribution of food and medication to the poorest people on the planet, and—Hello?—did I just trigger an Ebola outbreak in Africa?
I would dismiss the consensus of world economists and set off a cascade of tariff wars, starting with our strongest partners.
I would laugh at windmills, and solar panels, emission-free vehicles, and other technologies designed to slow the kind of global warming that could render the planet—funny I should phrase it this way—hotter than hell.
If I were the Devil, I would stoke anxieties about fuel and drill, drill, drill, sucking every drop out of the earth until there was nothing left for the future.
I would keep an eye peeled for countries imperiled by expansionist neighbors, and seize the opportunity to take over their minerals.
I would purge the military of transexuals, end holidays celebrating diversity, and terminate programs designed to open opportunities for groups that have been disenfranchised.
At the end of the day, I would respond to that fork-in-the-road email in my inbox, resign, and step out of the way. My replacement is doing just fine.