(Now that JD Vance has been selected, the full list can be revealed.)
The candidates (commentary by Donald Trump):
Frederick Douglas
A great African American. He’s being recognized more and more. Also – a lot of people don’t know this – he’s done some great work with peanuts, discovering over 300 new uses. This is fantastic for the agriculture. It’s going to be great again.
Shohei Otani
Mike Pence couldn’t hit, nor could he pitch. So Shohei’s already an improvement in two different directions. And how great for foreign relations? We’ve never had a Korean VP. Let the woke Democrats complain about that! And he’s a multi-tasker. He could fill in as escort for Melania during events I’m not able to attend. And, yes, he could still play for the Dodgers. I can’t wait to hear the D-crats whine when he steps to the plate in his MAGA hat.
Dan Quayle
The radical left laughed when he said, “I didn’t live in this century.” He said that in 1988. Now it’s 2024. So technically he was right, but the Fake News doesn’t tell you that. And he was loyal! Did he ever once outshine G.W.? Until Mark Meadows took me quale hunting, I never knew he existed.
Melania Trump
My father, the great Fred Trump, always said, “If your VP stabs you in the back once, shame on him, if it happens twice, shame on you.” Melania would never stab me in the back, that I can tell you. She may have tried once, but I disarmed her and she strongly apologized. Even if she tried again, I’m pretty sure I could take her. She did take me once – two out of three falls – but those were power games in our strongly private bedroom.
Doug, the Limo Emu guy
This guy has been second fiddle to an emu for five years, so he knows the ropes. Besides going from an emu to me would to be like going from a tricycle to a Hummer. And – “only pay for what you need” –what a powerful tagline. I think I could make it work with NATO.
Kim Jong Un
So, the radical left goes so crazy for trans this and trans that. Then, a very powerful male writes me a love letter, and its “Oh no, we can’t have that!” And this wasn’t a trans thing. It was guy talk. He loves basketball. We had talks. Would he stop the nuclear for an NBA franchise? He was very interested until the Dems started the Russia hoax.
Mike Pence
Despite what I said above, people learn from their mistakes. And Mike now knows what will happen to him if he repeats his previous errors. He also knows that, despite our differences, I’ve never once hinted certain things I suspect regarding his sexuality.
Harriet Tubman
Okay, this is a bit out of character for me, but it would only be a temporary appointment. I’ve seen the test plates with her on the twenty, and I like the look. Once the bills were printed, I could switch her out. However, thanks to political correctness, even I would have to replace her with a woman, but that’s why G-d made Lauren Boebert. Someone needs to act! Who hasn’t had a radical left professor with hair exactly like Jackson’s?
Valdimir Putin
If the United States and Russia got along, wouldn’t that be nice? The Constitution only says that a Vice President has to be at least thirty-five years old and born in the Northern Hemisphere. The war in Ukraine would end immediately. Ukraine could be a state in both countries.
Kid Rock
So why should the Republicans look like chumps in every year’s Kennedy Center Honors? He’s proof that our side has great artists too. And they call him Kid, just like Willie Mays. Nobody investigates this, but if they had replay in those days, maybe we’d find out that he was the guy on deck when Bobby Thompson hit the pennant-winning homer.
JD Vance.
I know he once referred to me as “America’s Hitler,” but I’ve been assured he meant that in a good way. And on abortion – he’s tough! If you come to him whining about exemptions, you’d better be talking about taxes.