I was skeptical when I heard that God had miraculously saved Donald Trump at a rally in Pennsylvania while permitting a local man to die, but after several Republican spiritual and political leaders confirmed it, I was forced to reconsider.
“I don’t see this as luck,” the Rev. Nathaniel Thomas, a Republican National Convention delegate and pastor from outside Washington, D.C., told The New York Times in a story that topped their homepage. “I see this as God’s protection.”
“Something’s got to be at play,” the Times reported Michael Thompson, the Republican chairman in Lee County, Florida saying, “while looking toward the sky as if to invoke the heavens”.
This was compelling stuff, but I am newspaper-trained myself and understood that I had to go directly to the source.
“Oh, please,” God thunders, when I finally get through. “Have you ever known me to show up for anything in Pennsylvania? Do you know how many coal miners have been killed in that state? And you think I’m going to appear at some pishidick cowtown rally?”
Well, if not you, who? I ask.
God sighs.
“You don’t have children, do you?” God says.
I gasp.
“So that painting of Jesus with his hands on Trump’s shoulder, posted by none other than Lara Trump right after the assassination attempt, wasn’t merely a cheesy rendering by a MAGA fanatic?” I ask. “There really was a divine visitation? Which can be likened to the time the angel came down to Mary and told her…You know, I always wondered how that was worded…”
“The angel told her there was a very nice God who would like to take her for a drink sometime,” God says, somewhat irritably.
“But she already had a guy,” I say. “And it was an unequal relationship. You had all the power —”
Matthew, the Almighty’s PR man, interrupts.
“The Divine One, Who Hears Your Pleas and Is Sick of Them, most graciously agreed to talk about the assassination attempt on Trump,” Matthew says. “He has nothing to say about the mother of Jesus who, He would like to remind you, had free will. So what’s your question, Joyce?”
Was there divine intervention to save Donald Trump at the rally in Butler, Pennsylvania? Because the Times put a story on top of the homepage claiming that hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of Trump’s most devoted supporters believe that.
“The top of the homepage?” God asks. “No kidding? I must have missed it.”
Matthew leaps in again.
“The One Most High created all the Wonders of Earth, including Kit Kat Bars, which He knows you love,” he says. “Have you ever thought how nice it would be to have an unending supply of Kit Kat Bars? Day or night, you just reach out your hand, and SHAZAM! you’re holding a Kit Kat Bar? It’s much more pleasurable than writing about spiritual matters —”
“Oh, Matthew, chill,” God says. “I can handle this. Joyce, listen, you’ve been to country fairs. You know corn dogs, right? Well, Jesus loves them. He’s also got a very big presence outside New York City. People are always hollering, ‘Jesus, take the wheel!’ And he does. He loves driving, tearing down those country roads, hitting one country fair food court after another.”
Wait a minute! Jesus was in Pennsylvania for the corn dogs, not to protect Donald Trump?
“Please,” God says. “A rapist and felon? So J.C. has spotted the corn dog stand. He’s streaking towards it and in his eagerness to get one fresh out of the fryer he accidentally brushes against Trump, turning his head out of the path of the assassin’s bullet.”
So the son of God was at the rally, but didn’t notice a shooter with a long-range rifle on a roof not 150 feet away? Or the local man — a volunteer fireman — who fell on his family to protect them when he heard shots and was killed?
“This fair also had deep-fried Oreos,” God says. “You could see how J.C. could get distracted.”
God tries to change the subject.
“Has Biden stepped down yet?”, he asks.
“Nope,” I say.
“He’s a stubborn old bird,” says God.